This tutorial was made for non-bakers, by a non-baker. Read: if I can do it, so can you.
Now, I will warn you. Since you’re a non-baker like me, you probably don’t have no fancy ass mixing machine. Hopefully you do at least have an electric hand mixer. If you don’t have one of those just abandon ship right now.
Things you’ll need:
1 1/2 c (300 g) sugar
1/3 c (47 g) all-purpose flour
1 1/2 c (155 ml) milk
1/3 c (78 ml) heavy cream
1 1/2 c (355 g) butter, room temp and cubed
1 tsp vanilla
“Step 1: Combine the sugar and flour in a cool saucepan. Stir in the milk and cream, then set the pan over medium heat. Stirring frequently, cook the mixture until quite thick.”
So far so good…
Make sure to absolutely destroy your heavy whipping cream.
Ok, now, what the hell does ‘cook the mixture until quite thick’ mean? I need exact measurements of time, people. So your guess is as good as mine. I went for about ten minutes, or until my arm got tired. You need to stir that shit on a pretty much constant basis.
Keep going until it gets kind of bubbly and goopy.
Taste test: at this point it tastes and smells as expected. Really hot flour and sugar.
“Step 2: Remove the pan from heat and pour the mixture into the bowl of your mixer. Fit with the paddle attachment and whip on high speed until the outside of the bowl is cool to the touch, about fifteen minutes.”
I have no idea what a ‘paddle attachment’ is so I just used the whisk looking things that came with my electric mixer. It worked out splendidly.
At about the nine minute mark I started to get really bored and decided to use this time to catch up on Facebook.
I also discovered I could balance the electric mixer on the edge of the bowl and just nudge it around from time to time. Look ma, no hands!
“Step 3: When the bowl is cool, add the butter all at once and whip on high speed until very light and fluffy.”
While keeping an eye on my precariously balanced electric mixing death trap, I cut my room temperature butter into small cubes.
More. You need more.
MORE! MORE BUTTER! This shit ain’t called buttercream for nothing.
You’ve now created a small mountain range. Perfect.
Taste test: I wasn’t shocked to find that this tasted exactly the same as before, but now with 3,000 calories of additional deliciousness.
“Step 4: Add the vanilla and whip to combine, then begin adding the jam, spoonful by spoonful, being careful not to add so much that the buttercream becomes soupy.”
The frosting finally started to taste like something edible after adding the vanilla extract. I’m always tempted to add more than a teaspoon but DON’T DO IT! Stick to the plan.
I kept things simple by going for the ol’ Smucker’s brand strawberry jelly. After three large spoonfuls the frosting was becoming decidedly ‘soupy’ so that’s where I stopped.
Taste test: It tastes like strawberry! God in heaven, we did it. I’m so proud of us. Hugs.